fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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