WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wear drunk well.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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