Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
