He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
