Those balls look pretty dangerous.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
