i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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