Can Purell be used as lube?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
