I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
