you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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