it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm having to shit out rocks
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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