this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
