If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
