Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
