Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
