if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
