Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
