I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.