Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
