I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.