If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
