Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
