Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
