When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
