I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
