She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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