I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
