im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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