Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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