im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
