I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
