JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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