it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
