i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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