I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
