Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
