there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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