I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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