Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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