there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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