but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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