he shaved USA in his pubs
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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