your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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