Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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