Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
