I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
