drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
