I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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