Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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