Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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