My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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