***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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