I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
