Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
