Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
