Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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