I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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