Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
