i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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