god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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