Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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