toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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