I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
