do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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